Remember that root beer ad where someone does something astoundingly moronic, like mispronouncing a potential employer’s name as “Mr. Dumbass” during a job interview, prompting the tagline, “Now that’s really thick-headed”? Apparently, John McCain is in open auditions for the next commercial. The news and blogs have been filled for weeks with bloopers and gaffes like his straight-talk™ view that Iraq and Pakistan share a common border, or that Shiite Iran is training Sunni Al Qaeda, or that three suicide bombers in one day in Iraq means the situation is “quiet.” (He’s right on that last point. That is a quiet day in Iraq. Now, if you had four suicide bombings …)
But I think he wins the role with the proclamation he’s given from the start, the one he’s repeated on the campaign trail to thunderous canned applause: that you can be sure McCain will never “surrender” in Iraq. No, not never, never ever. Voluntary withdrawal = unconditional surrender, and that’s one equation that doesn’t compute with Johnny Straight-Talker. That’s right, VFW members, you didn’t surrender to Hitler or Tojo, and McCain will never surrender to Bin Laden, the president and/or chancellor of the country of Al Qaeda, wherever that is, who joined forces with Saddam Hussein to attack us on 9-11. But gee whiz, John, what if our boys take cover in a Spanish mission and are hopelessly outnumbered by surrounding forces from the country of Al Qaeda? Shouldn’t we give up then instead of being forced into a heroic, maybe even legendary, last stand? Nope. That’s liberal loser talk. No cutting and running. We don’t give up until we “win.” Well, wait a sec. What if their soldiers have fortified pillboxes along the beaches of Al Qaeda, and any attempt to take those beaches would be suicide for the first troops to land there. There could be hundreds, maybe even thousands of casualties. Yes, it might make for a really smashing movie some day, but shouldn’t we just turn our boats around and call it a day? No dice, Appeasers. No retreat, Baby, NO SURRENDER!
Just like his pal George W. Bush, McCain understands we must stay in Iraq until we “win.” And please don’t start that crap about defining “win.” We all know what it means. As soon General Petraeus’ forces take one or two key hills, pushing Al Qaeda’s panzer divisions back to the sea where the Coalition of the Willing forces from Britain and Tonga will be waiting for them, Bin Laden will have no choice but to give up his quest to take over the world, assuming of course that he and his girlfriend haven’t already committed suicide in their bunker/cave. Then Bin Laden will be forced to meet President McCain on the deck of an aircraft carrier and sign a historic peace treaty. (And hey, the “Mission Accomplished” banner has already been printed. Bonus! They just have to add the word “Again.”)
What a glorious day that will be. The alternative is of course almost too horrible to contemplate. But for argument’s sake, let's do it anyway: As with any surrender, we would have to concede our country to the victors. The United States would become “West Al Qaeda.” We would be forced to give up Christianity and Scientology and accept Islam. Las Vegas would no longer be Mecca: Mecca would be Mecca. As Giselle looks no better in a burqa than your grandmother does, trust me, you will not be pleased with the next Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. And I, for one, am not looking forward to that daily 4 a.m. call to prayer. That’s what almost certainly awaits us if Barak Obama is elected and goes ahead with his plan to withdraw our troops from Iraq. Come to think of it, because of his secret Muslim training, that’s what awaits us under President Obama regardless of what he decides about Iraq. And that’s the America's liberals want?? Come on! Now, that’s really thick-headed.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
John McCain and the Lasting Crusade
When C. Montgomery Burns ran for governor of whatever state Springfield is in, Marge Simpson gave him a very simple put-up-or-shut-up test: publicly eat a three-eyed fish spawned in waters contaminated by his nuclear plant. Along that same line, there’s something John McCain can do to win over America-hating liberals like me. All he has to do is move to Iraq. For a month. Outside the Green Zone. And without a battalion of soldiers and a flock of Blackhawk helicopters. Just him and Cindy, hanging out in the country he claims is so much more stable than what the biased media reports in their New York Times.
With no end in sight to the self-immolation known as the Democratic nominating process, McCain can afford to take the time off. Just a teensy-weensy month to prove that the “surge is working,” and that freedom is the only thing exploding there. Yep, just four measly weeks of eating dates and haggling with shopkeepers. No military escort, but maybe a weekend visit from his friends the Liebermans, who also believe the U.S. needs to stay in Iraq pretty much forever. Getting to know the local Iraqis, and seeing first-hand that those designations as Sunnis and Shiites just means a whole bunch of good natured rivalry, like Democrats and Republicans, or Yankees and Red Sox fans. Needing only the security of the local police. The ones we helped train. You know, like the ones who recently congratulated (and did not arrest) an Iraqi man who proudly murdered his teenage daughter for speaking to a British soldier. Maybe not the kind of “traditional family values” that McCain and supporters like Pastor John Hagee advocate, but a solid example nonetheless of the fundamentalist religious freedom Iraqis can now practice without retribution. Think of the lazy afternoons McCain could spend debating that issue with the locals over a few delicious cups of anise tea.
As you may know, Mr. Burns destroyed his candidacy when he spit out that fish, prompting reporters to note he couldn’t “swallow his own fish story.” But Senator McCain is certainly made of sterner stuff. How about it, Johnny Straight-talker? Ready to enjoy the fruits of democracy that keep springing from the seeds sown by your good friends George Bush and Dick Cheney? Exxxxxcellent!
With no end in sight to the self-immolation known as the Democratic nominating process, McCain can afford to take the time off. Just a teensy-weensy month to prove that the “surge is working,” and that freedom is the only thing exploding there. Yep, just four measly weeks of eating dates and haggling with shopkeepers. No military escort, but maybe a weekend visit from his friends the Liebermans, who also believe the U.S. needs to stay in Iraq pretty much forever. Getting to know the local Iraqis, and seeing first-hand that those designations as Sunnis and Shiites just means a whole bunch of good natured rivalry, like Democrats and Republicans, or Yankees and Red Sox fans. Needing only the security of the local police. The ones we helped train. You know, like the ones who recently congratulated (and did not arrest) an Iraqi man who proudly murdered his teenage daughter for speaking to a British soldier. Maybe not the kind of “traditional family values” that McCain and supporters like Pastor John Hagee advocate, but a solid example nonetheless of the fundamentalist religious freedom Iraqis can now practice without retribution. Think of the lazy afternoons McCain could spend debating that issue with the locals over a few delicious cups of anise tea.
As you may know, Mr. Burns destroyed his candidacy when he spit out that fish, prompting reporters to note he couldn’t “swallow his own fish story.” But Senator McCain is certainly made of sterner stuff. How about it, Johnny Straight-talker? Ready to enjoy the fruits of democracy that keep springing from the seeds sown by your good friends George Bush and Dick Cheney? Exxxxxcellent!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Little will be fixed before we fix Congress.
Newsflash: Congress is broken.
Yeah, I know, this is not exactly breaking news, but from the tech/legal/academic front comes an effort to address it. A list of what's broken about Congress would be long, but ultimately most of them comes down to one thing: Fuckin' money.
I know it's simplistic, but...
In essence, he is asking for public pressure to get candidates (incumbents and challengers) to agree to four basic principles:
If you are frustrated that Congress can't seem to get anything meaningful done...look at the fuckin' money.
And sign up at change-congress.org.
Yeah, I know, this is not exactly breaking news, but from the tech/legal/academic front comes an effort to address it. A list of what's broken about Congress would be long, but ultimately most of them comes down to one thing: Fuckin' money.
I know it's simplistic, but...
- It's why we're in Iraq.
- It's why almost nothing has been done by the U.S. on global warming.
- It's why our healthcare system is broken.
- It's why George Fucking Bush got elected.
In essence, he is asking for public pressure to get candidates (incumbents and challengers) to agree to four basic principles:
- promise not to accept PAC or lobbyist contributions;
- commit vote to abolish "earmarks" permanently;
- commit to vote to support public financing of public elections, and;
- commit to compel complete transparency in the functioning of Congress and the government.
(from David Weigel's post in the libertarian rag Reason)I find Carville and Begala's idea to be worth close examination. Think about it. A challenger could raise as much money as he or she wants. The incumbent's campaign would get a check for the same amount from the government. Once elected, a member of Congress would never have to ask anyone for money again.
"The most interesting part, so far, has been Lessig's argument to conservatives for why we need public financing. First, the idea he semi-endorsed is not full public campaign finance. It is public financing for incumbents, an idea he credits to Paul Begala and James Carville. Incumbents would be prohibited from raising any money, at all, period. Their funds will come from the U.S. Treasury and be a function of how much their opponents raise. If Challenger Jones raises $1 million, Congressman Smith gets a check for $800,000.
"Why should conservatives and libertarians support this, given that Lessig accepts a $2 billion estimate of the cost? 'Why is government so big?' Lessig asks, rhetorically. 'Because Congressmen must get elected. The insidious relationship between the desire to regulate and the need for congressmen to get re-elected drives the expansion of government.' Compare that $2 billion cost, Lessig suggests, to a radically shrunken (and less busy) FEC and the diminishment of loopholes and handouts."
If you are frustrated that Congress can't seem to get anything meaningful done...look at the fuckin' money.
And sign up at change-congress.org.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Doesn't The Moon Look Beautiful Tonight, Honey? Hey, Do We Have Any Beer In The Fridge?
If Rolling Rock’s ads are to be believed, guerilla marketing will leave its earthly confines this week when the brewery tries projecting its corporate logo onto the moon’s surface with a laser beam. Is this for real? Is it a hoax? Do they really have the technology to do this thing? Will we need a telescope or can we enjoy the show with the naked eye? And most importantly, can the whole thing be stopped??
I thought the nightmare of high tech advertising was the retina scanning portrayed in “Minority Report,” where people couldn’t go anywhere without being scanned, identified, and then bombarded with personal ads based on their recorded purchase history. But that nightmare is reserved for the future, a bleak future in which a heavily-armed Tom Cruise flies around in a jetpack. The laser beam plan is here and now, and it’s so brilliantly simple. Make the boring old moon a huge cosmic billboard for corporate America to light up nightly with ads for Target or Ford or Pizza Hut (because, if successful, little Rolling Rock will be quickly elbowed to the side by bigger companies with bigger laser beams). Beautiful logos just shining there for the entire hemisphere to enjoy. Is that a “Harvest Moon?” No, it’s a “Harvest of Values Moon,” from your True Value Hardware Store. Sea of Tranquility? That’s what awaits you at America’s Best Western motels.
According to their website, Rolling Rock will also be beaming messages, or has already been beaming messages, requested by pretty much anyone who asks. Here’s one by Joe from Buffalo, New York, that was aimed at the Crater Plinius: “Let’s go Sabres! Buffalo Sabres Rock!“ I am not making this up. Some of history’s greatest poets like Byron, Shelly and Coleridge, have written a beautiful verse or two about the moon. Now we have Joe from Buffalo. Writing on the moon.
America doesn’t own the moon, even though we personally planted a flag on it long ago (in part so that MTV might one day have something cool to use for its logo). And according to Wikipedia, the U.S. and Russia signed a treaty that places the moon under the same jurisdiction as international waters, and restricts its use to peaceful purposes. Unfortunately, a second treaty, one that deals with lunar property rights and forbids one nation from exploiting the moon’s resources, has not been signed.
Maybe it’s time to revisit that issue. I know Congress has other priorities, which is how it should be, but this is a long-term problem in the making. If the Rolling Rock experiment is successful, it’s going to be uber-cool. For about 10 seconds. And then the prospect of never seeing the moon in its natural state again will sink in. And then it’s going to suck.
I don’t know what the mysterious “33” on the Rolling Rock bottle stands for, but for me it’ll represent the number of times I’ll want to kick Ron, Rolling Rock’s congenial marketing spokesperson, in his ass if this thing leads to a permanent orbiting ad campaign.
I thought the nightmare of high tech advertising was the retina scanning portrayed in “Minority Report,” where people couldn’t go anywhere without being scanned, identified, and then bombarded with personal ads based on their recorded purchase history. But that nightmare is reserved for the future, a bleak future in which a heavily-armed Tom Cruise flies around in a jetpack. The laser beam plan is here and now, and it’s so brilliantly simple. Make the boring old moon a huge cosmic billboard for corporate America to light up nightly with ads for Target or Ford or Pizza Hut (because, if successful, little Rolling Rock will be quickly elbowed to the side by bigger companies with bigger laser beams). Beautiful logos just shining there for the entire hemisphere to enjoy. Is that a “Harvest Moon?” No, it’s a “Harvest of Values Moon,” from your True Value Hardware Store. Sea of Tranquility? That’s what awaits you at America’s Best Western motels.
According to their website, Rolling Rock will also be beaming messages, or has already been beaming messages, requested by pretty much anyone who asks. Here’s one by Joe from Buffalo, New York, that was aimed at the Crater Plinius: “Let’s go Sabres! Buffalo Sabres Rock!“ I am not making this up. Some of history’s greatest poets like Byron, Shelly and Coleridge, have written a beautiful verse or two about the moon. Now we have Joe from Buffalo. Writing on the moon.
America doesn’t own the moon, even though we personally planted a flag on it long ago (in part so that MTV might one day have something cool to use for its logo). And according to Wikipedia, the U.S. and Russia signed a treaty that places the moon under the same jurisdiction as international waters, and restricts its use to peaceful purposes. Unfortunately, a second treaty, one that deals with lunar property rights and forbids one nation from exploiting the moon’s resources, has not been signed.
Maybe it’s time to revisit that issue. I know Congress has other priorities, which is how it should be, but this is a long-term problem in the making. If the Rolling Rock experiment is successful, it’s going to be uber-cool. For about 10 seconds. And then the prospect of never seeing the moon in its natural state again will sink in. And then it’s going to suck.
I don’t know what the mysterious “33” on the Rolling Rock bottle stands for, but for me it’ll represent the number of times I’ll want to kick Ron, Rolling Rock’s congenial marketing spokesperson, in his ass if this thing leads to a permanent orbiting ad campaign.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Client 9 Broke Commandment 7. Thank Heaven The Feds Are Here To Restore Moral Order.
I don’t live in New York, so I’ll assume for argument’s sake that the governor’s sex life really is the state’s most pressing issue, just as President Clinton’s sex life was once America’s most pressing issue. But I’m still a little unclear as to what Governor Spitzer did that required his resignation. Did he miss important meetings or fail to sign important legislation because he was too busy getting laid with an extremely over-priced prostitute? ($5K for one woman for one hookup? She looks hot in those photos, but she isn’t exactly Heidi Klum.)
Was he expected to be moral leader? If so, what kind? It may be my twisted sense of morality, but I find it immoral when, for example, a government leader orders a first-strike invasion of some tin pot dictator’s country and baldly lies about having "slam dunk" evidence of weapons of mass destruction and ties with a terrorist group that carried out an attack on U.S. soil that rivaled Pearl Harbor. That’s the kind of thing that provokes yawns from our Puritan elders, most of whom are members of that leader's political party. I have the same apathy: I just can’t work up any outrage over where Elliot Spitzer put his dick.
I’m not saying he didn’t break any laws, but for now it appears he resigned because he got his rocks off with someone who wasn’t his wife. No, I don’t live in New York, but I do live in the U.S., and I’m wondering if prosecuting adultery is really the best use of federal law enforcement resources. If it turns out Spitzer used public funds or campaign money for these trysts, well that’s something entirely different. But that has yet to be determined. With any luck, the FBI will spend thousands of man-hours and millions of tax dollars finding out.
Apparently, it wouldn’t be the first time. I once heard that during the height of the Clinton impeachment, up to 200 FBI agents were investigating the President’s infidelities. I don’t know if that’s really true, but it certainly sounds true. After all, it may have been Clinton’s Justice Department but Congress controlled the money, and that particular Congress had only one priority: Get Bubba. This was uncomfortably close to the time we know that Al-Qaeda members were in the U.S. setting up cells and laying the groundwork for the 9-11 attacks. How many FBI agents were investigating that situation? Were they even aware of that situation, or were they concentrating on other top priorities?
The last time I checked, names like Osama Bin Laden and Whitey Bulger still sit near the top of the FBI’s most wanted list. I guess that’s the equivalent of the “wish list” option you find on shopping websites; you put the diamond necklace and the 60 inch flat-screen on the wish list, but the reality is that you’re going to order the vacuum cleaner. And it’s not going to be the deluxe model you wish you could buy. The Emperors Club VIP is the FBI’s second-rate vacuum cleaner, and catching its madams and Johns is the best they can do for now.
I think Bruce Springsteen summed it up best (as he often does) during a concert I saw in October 2005. The Boss was joking about his recent travels, telling us he’d just spent some time in the Twin Cities partying on a boat with members of the Minnesota Vikings. He was talking about a scandal involving players who had brought prostitutes from other states onto a charter boat for a little more sightseeing than the brochure promised. Bruce was clearly mystified that charges were being brought. “I’m just not sure what those young men are being prosecuted for,” he said. “When did fucking become illegal?”
Was he expected to be moral leader? If so, what kind? It may be my twisted sense of morality, but I find it immoral when, for example, a government leader orders a first-strike invasion of some tin pot dictator’s country and baldly lies about having "slam dunk" evidence of weapons of mass destruction and ties with a terrorist group that carried out an attack on U.S. soil that rivaled Pearl Harbor. That’s the kind of thing that provokes yawns from our Puritan elders, most of whom are members of that leader's political party. I have the same apathy: I just can’t work up any outrage over where Elliot Spitzer put his dick.
I’m not saying he didn’t break any laws, but for now it appears he resigned because he got his rocks off with someone who wasn’t his wife. No, I don’t live in New York, but I do live in the U.S., and I’m wondering if prosecuting adultery is really the best use of federal law enforcement resources. If it turns out Spitzer used public funds or campaign money for these trysts, well that’s something entirely different. But that has yet to be determined. With any luck, the FBI will spend thousands of man-hours and millions of tax dollars finding out.
Apparently, it wouldn’t be the first time. I once heard that during the height of the Clinton impeachment, up to 200 FBI agents were investigating the President’s infidelities. I don’t know if that’s really true, but it certainly sounds true. After all, it may have been Clinton’s Justice Department but Congress controlled the money, and that particular Congress had only one priority: Get Bubba. This was uncomfortably close to the time we know that Al-Qaeda members were in the U.S. setting up cells and laying the groundwork for the 9-11 attacks. How many FBI agents were investigating that situation? Were they even aware of that situation, or were they concentrating on other top priorities?
The last time I checked, names like Osama Bin Laden and Whitey Bulger still sit near the top of the FBI’s most wanted list. I guess that’s the equivalent of the “wish list” option you find on shopping websites; you put the diamond necklace and the 60 inch flat-screen on the wish list, but the reality is that you’re going to order the vacuum cleaner. And it’s not going to be the deluxe model you wish you could buy. The Emperors Club VIP is the FBI’s second-rate vacuum cleaner, and catching its madams and Johns is the best they can do for now.
I think Bruce Springsteen summed it up best (as he often does) during a concert I saw in October 2005. The Boss was joking about his recent travels, telling us he’d just spent some time in the Twin Cities partying on a boat with members of the Minnesota Vikings. He was talking about a scandal involving players who had brought prostitutes from other states onto a charter boat for a little more sightseeing than the brochure promised. Bruce was clearly mystified that charges were being brought. “I’m just not sure what those young men are being prosecuted for,” he said. “When did fucking become illegal?”
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
There's no "us" in US Capitol
Have you noticed how Congress has done nothing to secure the borders of this country yet they have spent untold millions of YOUR tax dollars building the U.S. Capitol property (the Capitol and approximately 16 surrounding city blocks) into a hardened facility with access control and Capitol Police in patrol cars and on foot everywhere? So they won't do what the public demanded for the public, but they'll take care of themselves within that area they fail to make safe. I think that's just about what I'd expect from Congress. Niiiiice.
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