John McCain and the Lasting Crusade

When C. Montgomery Burns ran for governor of whatever state Springfield is in, Marge Simpson gave him a very simple put-up-or-shut-up test: publicly eat a three-eyed fish spawned in waters contaminated by his nuclear plant. Along that same line, there’s something John McCain can do to win over America-hating liberals like me. All he has to do is move to Iraq. For a month. Outside the Green Zone. And without a battalion of soldiers and a flock of Blackhawk helicopters. Just him and Cindy, hanging out in the country he claims is so much more stable than what the biased media reports in their New York Times.

With no end in sight to the self-immolation known as the Democratic nominating process, McCain can afford to take the time off. Just a teensy-weensy month to prove that the “surge is working,” and that freedom is the only thing exploding there. Yep, just four measly weeks of eating dates and haggling with shopkeepers. No military escort, but maybe a weekend visit from his friends the Liebermans, who also believe the U.S. needs to stay in Iraq pretty much forever. Getting to know the local Iraqis, and seeing first-hand that those designations as Sunnis and Shiites just means a whole bunch of good natured rivalry, like Democrats and Republicans, or Yankees and Red Sox fans. Needing only the security of the local police. The ones we helped train. You know, like the ones who recently congratulated (and did not arrest) an Iraqi man who proudly murdered his teenage daughter for speaking to a British soldier. Maybe not the kind of “traditional family values” that McCain and supporters like Pastor John Hagee advocate, but a solid example nonetheless of the fundamentalist religious freedom Iraqis can now practice without retribution. Think of the lazy afternoons McCain could spend debating that issue with the locals over a few delicious cups of anise tea.

As you may know, Mr. Burns destroyed his candidacy when he spit out that fish, prompting reporters to note he couldn’t “swallow his own fish story.” But Senator McCain is certainly made of sterner stuff. How about it, Johnny Straight-talker? Ready to enjoy the fruits of democracy that keep springing from the seeds sown by your good friends George Bush and Dick Cheney? Exxxxxcellent!