Client 9 Broke Commandment 7. Thank Heaven The Feds Are Here To Restore Moral Order.

I don’t live in New York, so I’ll assume for argument’s sake that the governor’s sex life really is the state’s most pressing issue, just as President Clinton’s sex life was once America’s most pressing issue. But I’m still a little unclear as to what Governor Spitzer did that required his resignation. Did he miss important meetings or fail to sign important legislation because he was too busy getting laid with an extremely over-priced prostitute? ($5K for one woman for one hookup? She looks hot in those photos, but she isn’t exactly Heidi Klum.)

Was he expected to be moral leader? If so, what kind? It may be my twisted sense of morality, but I find it immoral when, for example, a government leader orders a first-strike invasion of some tin pot dictator’s country and baldly lies about having "slam dunk" evidence of weapons of mass destruction and ties with a terrorist group that carried out an attack on U.S. soil that rivaled Pearl Harbor. That’s the kind of thing that provokes yawns from our Puritan elders, most of whom are members of that leader's political party. I have the same apathy: I just can’t work up any outrage over where Elliot Spitzer put his dick.

I’m not saying he didn’t break any laws, but for now it appears he resigned because he got his rocks off with someone who wasn’t his wife. No, I don’t live in New York, but I do live in the U.S., and I’m wondering if prosecuting adultery is really the best use of federal law enforcement resources. If it turns out Spitzer used public funds or campaign money for these trysts, well that’s something entirely different. But that has yet to be determined. With any luck, the FBI will spend thousands of man-hours and millions of tax dollars finding out.

Apparently, it wouldn’t be the first time. I once heard that during the height of the Clinton impeachment, up to 200 FBI agents were investigating the President’s infidelities. I don’t know if that’s really true, but it certainly sounds true. After all, it may have been Clinton’s Justice Department but Congress controlled the money, and that particular Congress had only one priority: Get Bubba. This was uncomfortably close to the time we know that Al-Qaeda members were in the U.S. setting up cells and laying the groundwork for the 9-11 attacks. How many FBI agents were investigating that situation? Were they even aware of that situation, or were they concentrating on other top priorities?

The last time I checked, names like Osama Bin Laden and Whitey Bulger still sit near the top of the FBI’s most wanted list. I guess that’s the equivalent of the “wish list” option you find on shopping websites; you put the diamond necklace and the 60 inch flat-screen on the wish list, but the reality is that you’re going to order the vacuum cleaner. And it’s not going to be the deluxe model you wish you could buy. The Emperors Club VIP is the FBI’s second-rate vacuum cleaner, and catching its madams and Johns is the best they can do for now.

I think Bruce Springsteen summed it up best (as he often does) during a concert I saw in October 2005. The Boss was joking about his recent travels, telling us he’d just spent some time in the Twin Cities partying on a boat with members of the Minnesota Vikings. He was talking about a scandal involving players who had brought prostitutes from other states onto a charter boat for a little more sightseeing than the brochure promised. Bruce was clearly mystified that charges were being brought. “I’m just not sure what those young men are being prosecuted for,” he said. “When did fucking become illegal?”