John McCain and the Kingdom of the Concrete Skull

Remember that root beer ad where someone does something astoundingly moronic, like mispronouncing a potential employer’s name as “Mr. Dumbass” during a job interview, prompting the tagline, “Now that’s really thick-headed”? Apparently, John McCain is in open auditions for the next commercial. The news and blogs have been filled for weeks with bloopers and gaffes like his straight-talk™ view that Iraq and Pakistan share a common border, or that Shiite Iran is training Sunni Al Qaeda, or that three suicide bombers in one day in Iraq means the situation is “quiet.” (He’s right on that last point. That is a quiet day in Iraq. Now, if you had four suicide bombings …)

But I think he wins the role with the proclamation he’s given from the start, the one he’s repeated on the campaign trail to thunderous canned applause: that you can be sure McCain will never “surrender” in Iraq. No, not never, never ever. Voluntary withdrawal = unconditional surrender, and that’s one equation that doesn’t compute with Johnny Straight-Talker. That’s right, VFW members, you didn’t surrender to Hitler or Tojo, and McCain will never surrender to Bin Laden, the president and/or chancellor of the country of Al Qaeda, wherever that is, who joined forces with Saddam Hussein to attack us on 9-11. But gee whiz, John, what if our boys take cover in a Spanish mission and are hopelessly outnumbered by surrounding forces from the country of Al Qaeda? Shouldn’t we give up then instead of being forced into a heroic, maybe even legendary, last stand? Nope. That’s liberal loser talk. No cutting and running. We don’t give up until we “win.” Well, wait a sec. What if their soldiers have fortified pillboxes along the beaches of Al Qaeda, and any attempt to take those beaches would be suicide for the first troops to land there. There could be hundreds, maybe even thousands of casualties. Yes, it might make for a really smashing movie some day, but shouldn’t we just turn our boats around and call it a day? No dice, Appeasers. No retreat, Baby, NO SURRENDER!

Just like his pal George W. Bush, McCain understands we must stay in Iraq until we “win.” And please don’t start that crap about defining “win.” We all know what it means. As soon General Petraeus’ forces take one or two key hills, pushing Al Qaeda’s panzer divisions back to the sea where the Coalition of the Willing forces from Britain and Tonga will be waiting for them, Bin Laden will have no choice but to give up his quest to take over the world, assuming of course that he and his girlfriend haven’t already committed suicide in their bunker/cave. Then Bin Laden will be forced to meet President McCain on the deck of an aircraft carrier and sign a historic peace treaty. (And hey, the “Mission Accomplished” banner has already been printed. Bonus! They just have to add the word “Again.”)

What a glorious day that will be. The alternative is of course almost too horrible to contemplate. But for argument’s sake, let's do it anyway: As with any surrender, we would have to concede our country to the victors. The United States would become “West Al Qaeda.” We would be forced to give up Christianity and Scientology and accept Islam. Las Vegas would no longer be Mecca: Mecca would be Mecca. As Giselle looks no better in a burqa than your grandmother does, trust me, you will not be pleased with the next Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. And I, for one, am not looking forward to that daily 4 a.m. call to prayer. That’s what almost certainly awaits us if Barak Obama is elected and goes ahead with his plan to withdraw our troops from Iraq. Come to think of it, because of his secret Muslim training, that’s what awaits us under President Obama regardless of what he decides about Iraq. And that’s the America's liberals want?? Come on! Now, that’s really thick-headed.